Long distance arguing

When it’s good it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad, it’s horrid

This is my theory: being left for months on end is bound to be crappy. Leaving on good terms and making sure that things tick along smoothly whilst you are separated is vitally important.

Why? Because arguing long distance is an absolute disaster. Picture this… you have a row about something. Someone puts the phone down/says something they don’t mean/is bitchy/cries/hands out ultimatums. Not only do you have whatever caused the row in the first place flying between you, but also the hurt and upset of crossed words that are really difficult to mend because you can’t look in each other’s eyes and say you are sorry. You can’t have a hug and the reassurance that brings. You cannot make up in any other way except by saying you are sorry. And ‘sorry’ is a very small word.

Minor arguments are ok. Getting sad about absence is ok. To a certain extent, having a bad day and ranting about it is ok (though surely it’s better to try not to). What I’m talking about though are those big, hairy, nasties. We all have them. Mine is the (still only ‘nearly’) ex-wife who cannot move on and insists on baiting me whenever possible. My friend has a long running bug bear about having babies. Another friend has trust issues. These things pop up at odd moments and can spark rows that either run or, possibly even worse, are blocked completely.

So, what to do if you find that you are having a bit of a bad time whilst your partner is away:

1) Write the issue down. Get your feelings straight in your head. Send a co-herent and rational explanation of what is upsetting you in bullet point format.

2) Set aside some time to talk about it but leave things at least 24 hours since the last crossed words. Both of you need to calm down and work out how you actually feel.

3) Work out what you want the outcome to be, communicate this and then offer helpful guidance about how to make that happen. (It’s tempting to hope they will just do the right thing on their own. Don’t wait around for this… they are waiting for their orders).

4) Be kind. The person on the other side of this is as upset and isolated as you are.

5) Make love, not war. If you love someone, reassure them this is the case, especially after an argument. Double especially after a long distance argument where you can’t kiss and make up.

I hope this helps. I am trying to take my own advice. All I really need is a hug.